November Photoshoot and Catch Up

A couple of months ago, Matt, Anne Marie, and I met up with Sarah Lyn and had our first ever family photo session!  This was actually Matt's and my first professional photography shoot since getting married, if you don't count that church directory mug head shot about eight years ago!  I'm so happy with them that I'm just going to scatter them throughout this post since I don't have any prints and can't pull them up on my computer screen saver (because it died in the pipe burst).

One of the things I cheaped out on was professional baby photos of Anne Marie.  I figured I had enough talented photographers in my family and could save on the cash (those baby sessions are expensive, y'all!).

I kind of regret that now. 

I have a very talented sister who was always more than willing to take photos for us, but she did have an adorably photographic spawn of her own to document, after all.

I'm thinking that I will have to suck it up and just bite the bullet for Number 2.

Which, by the way, we are expecting in May.  Baby Bravo (boy) is due mid May!



We're excited, a little nervous, and praying for an easy transition to two.  The transition to parenthood was quite the doozy for me and I had a really hard time adjusting.  Since we've already been through the "lifestyle change" to having kids, and Anne Marie is just so darn fun these days, we knew we wanted more kids.

Just not more babies.

Ughh.  I feel like a wretch sometimes but I really don't want another baby.  Does that even make sense?  I am so excited about Baby Bravo, so excited to meet and hold and snuggle him, but I am seriously having anxiety about going through the baby stage again.  I broke down into (ugly) tears in the middle of the hallway at work talking to Amanda about it several weeks ago. 

Those first 6-8 months were just... So. Hard.



Not that we have things figured out by now, but at least I know we're not going to die and our lives aren't ruined.  Anne Marie sure has plenty of spunk (temper tantrums?) and it's not always smooth sailing, but we really are enjoying her.  Every day is something new and fun with her and I can get just giddy thinking about how much I love that little girl!

I feel like I want to tell new parents, "It will be SO HARD at first, but then it will be SO FUN!"  I think it's the best decision we ever made (to have kids).  And I say "decision" because it was a very conscious decision for us.  We were never the couple that always knew we'd want to have kids one day.  There was a long time where we actually loathed the idea, to be honest, and didn't know if it would be good for us.

But God has tested and stretched us and I feel like I've learned so much in the last 20 months.  Parenthood has tested (and then strengthened) our marriage.  It's taught me a lot about my own sinfulness and selfishness.   It's taught me about God's provision for me, for my family, His goodness and steadfast love.  It's been THE most challenging and rewarding things I've ever done.  And I'm just beginning to learn and grow.  I have a long way to go!

Anne Marie.

What can I say about that kid?  She melts my heart.  She can make me so frustrated and yet so completely gooey-eyed all within the same five minutes.  She went through a phase about a month ago where she would lie down and throw a screaming/kicking tantrum on the floor... sometimes 5-6 times a day.  And now she'll run up to me, wrap her arms around me, give me a big kiss, and say, "Hold me!"

Seriously.  If that girl asked me for a pony at the right moment, I would have a hard time exercising any type of self control.

But what I love most about having her is watching her play with Matt.  He is wonderful with her.  Throws her in the air, wrestles, tickles, and just loves on her.  He reads her endless amounts of books (seriously, he seems so much more patient than me.).   She woke up crying in the hotel this morning and I put her in bed with Matt while I took a shower and got dressed.  Watching those two curled up together asleep was about the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

I'm also really enjoying how much she loves and is loved by our family.  There is no shortage of willing baby watchers whenever Matt and I have errands to run or are in need of a date night.

My dad is incredibly wonderful with the kids.  He keeps Anne Marie and Emmett Tues-Thurs while Amanda and I both work part-time.  He's always coming up with new activities for them and sending them home with expanded vocabularies.  He teaches them well and loves them just as thoroughly.

And speaking of Emmett... "E" is about the one person Anne Marie wants to see at any given time.  She loves him and says his name about 20 times a day.  (And who, in their right mind, could ever resist those beautiful "E" eyes?!!)

Even though those two know how fight over toys with the best of them, they are still big buddies.  They are two little tornadoes together, playing (and destroying) all over the house. 

Anne Marie is actually sharing with Emmett here.  If I didn't have photographic evidence, y'all might not believe me...

In non-baby news, two of our most beloved friends are moving out of town and we are just heartbroken over the loss.  Charlie and Lynne have been more than our pastor and his wife.  They've been our mentors, teachers, political debators, friends, and so much more. 

We've had a long-held agreement where Matt will come over and help with something around the house and Lynne will cook for us.  About the second time we came over to do this, Matt finally broke out, "Guys, I feel like we're really just taking advantage of you.  It's no big deal for me to come over and do this stuff, and Lynne's cooking is so phenomenal.  We're really getting the better end of the deal"  (Seriously, Lynne is the BEST cook I've ever known.  Gourmet, superb cooking!).  Lynne looks over, sighs a huge sigh of relief and says, "See, Charlie! ...Charlie's felt like we've been taking advantage of YOU!"

We've all got different skillsets, people!  Some of us are good with power tools.  Some of us are excellent teachers and pastors.  Others can cook you into a Christmas coma.  And then I come in and do the dishes (that's my "skill" ;))

Although I'm sad to see them go, it just means that we've got another stop on our next Mississippi tour!  We're planning part 2 of what we did this past summer (Starkville and Indianola) whenever we're confident enough to travel post Baby Bravo.

Here's two of the friends we saw this past June...

We saw Jonathan and Holly on our trip that included time with our other favorite pastoral family, the Zellners, and are hoping that everyone will let us come see them again sometime. 

This past fall, we've been hosting a small group Bible study twice a month and have had a really wonderful turnout.  30-35 adults, plus kids, have come each week while two friends and I take turns cooking.  Charlie's been the discussion leader and we've really enjoyed getting to fellowship with such a fun group.

The rainfall in our kitchen a couple of weeks ago unfortunately put an end to our hosting abilities for the foreseeable future.



And on the subject of the house... we're in a hotel still but just got approval for a short term furnished apartment that we can move into next week.  Thankfully we'll be able to stay there until the house is completed (no idea when that will be). 

The extent of the damage is so severe that it will be months before everything is put back together.  The entire downstairs (with the exception of our master bedroom/bath) will have to be refinished in some way or another.  The upstairs isn't nearly as bad - new tile/carpet in the upstairs back guest bath and bedroom and maybe some painting.  But the only thing staying the same downstairs is the half bath toilet/sink and kitchen granite.

Which means we have  get to pick out new (just about) everything.  And that's a little bit intimidating for me.  I don't feel like I have any home decorating skills.  I know I like something when I see it, but I lack the ability to pull things together that fit.



So we decided to hire a professional to help us pick out cabinets/flooring/paint/etc.  We decided we had to get it done right the first time and couldn't afford to repeat the experience we had with our master bath in our previous home...

That time I decided I wanted a nice sage green wall color.  We painted that bathroom two different shades of green, both of which were hideous once on the walls.  And then we finally gave up and simply painted it the exact same blue of a friend's hall bath that I had already seen in person and knew I liked.

Ughh.

Anyway, God is good.  Even with the mess in the house and the uncertainty of when we'll be back in (I'm no longer holding out hope it will be before Baby Bravo comes), He has certainly taken care of us.  We have good insurance (and an even better agent!), incredible friends willing to help us clean up, pack, and move things in and out (and even 3 families willing to take our three dogs!!), and we're all healthy. 

Okay, I've probably droned on more than enough for one blog post.  If you've made it this far, you deserve a cookie.

And here are a few more of the photos from our photoshoot, just because I still haven't gotten around to actually printing them all yet!!

Raining Indoors

I'm beginning to think that posting on here is bad juju.  This isn't the first time I've written a post only to be immediately confronted with a challenge!

So what happens when you write a post for the first time in nearly twelve months?

On the day that I had scheduled a new post to publish, Matt came home from work to discover our kitchen completely flooded. 

After turning off the water at the street, he took this photo:

We called our insurance right away and also had about 8 wonderful friends with shop vacs come to help suck up water in the upstairs and downstairs.  Our insurance agent called in a demo/reconstruction company and they began pulling out all of the wet drywall, ceiling, flooring, and insulation.  By the end of the next day, my kitchen looked like this:

The damage is extensive and the insurance company has been overwhelmed with all of the damage caused by last week's freeze (we had a pipe freeze and burst due to the low temperatures) and so things might be a little slow progressing forward.  We finally got driers into the house yesterday and they sprayed everything down with an anti-fungal/mold treatment. 

Thankfully no one was hurt, we have good insurance, a great agent, and are hoping everything will be resolved in a few months. 

In the mean time, my posting might not be so frequent/verbose (as if you'd notice anyway)... my laptop ended up with probably a hundred gallons of water poured over it over the course of last Tuesday.

D.O.N.E.

A couple of weeks ago, I finally "graduated" with my master's degree!  I won't even talk about how long it took me to finish, but... I am D-O-N-E.

There were several things I had to give up as I struggled to maintain all my balls in the air with work, school, new motherhood, keeping up with ensuring a functioning house, extra curriculars, etc.  Blogging was just one of the things that had to go.  

I'd love to say that this will mean that I'm "back" and can resume blogging, but I'm afraid to commit to anything just yet. 

So, for now, here's my first post in almost a year.

And a photo of part of my book shelf at work.

(That book on the left of the red one is MINE!!)

2012 - What a Year

So now that most of an entire month of 2013 has escaped me, I think I should write down some thoughts from 2012.

I think this was the year of change for us.  It was probably the hardest - and most rewarding - year of my life so far.  

I wish I could go back in time and tell myself back in June that things will be okay - in fact, things will be better than okay - they will be SO MUCH FUN.

That's the point we're at now.

So. Much. Fun.

I am honestly loving my life right now.  It's spinning by so quickly, I want to just enjoy every second of it.  Matt and I are having a lot of fun with our little bundle of depravity.

Anne Marie is keeping us on our toes.  She's full of personality, spunk, and is completely her own person.  I am seriously in love with this baby.  I want to enjoy every second of this stage because I really did not enjoy the beginning.

The beginning was really hard for me, and for Matt too, but I can really only speak about my own experience.

My transition to motherhood was just tough.  It was emotionally challenging going from setting my own schedule (and really - who was I kidding when I thought I was busy?!) to being responsible for another life, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  A little life that depended on me being there - always with her for those first several weeks.

I felt like I had no freedom anymore.  And lots of responsibility.  That weighed heavy on my heart.  I really didn't like it (and, let's be honest, I still struggle with it a little on occasion). 

 Lest you be deceived - she still screams quite a bit!

I really questioned our decision to have a child.  I thought we'd made a major mistake.  I cried a lot.  I told Matt I was sorry that I ever wanted to have children and change our happy, "carefree" life.  I told him I just KNEW that it would have to turn out okay - otherwise, why would people keep having kids?!

Juggling a newborn baby with little-to-no-sleep is probably the most common ("textbook") new parent challenge.  I've found it hard to be loving and patient - with my husband.  He so faithful about loving us and trying his best to take care of us.  In the stress of the day, I usually took my frustration out on him.  Realizing that I haven't been as thoughtful with him as he deserves and making an effort to treat him with kindness has proven to be a constant struggle for me.

And on top of that, Anne Marie screamed all. the. time.  Or, at least to me it felt that way.  In reality, she was just a very colicky baby.  She would scream for 4 hours without stopping.  Regularly. 

Those were the days I would glance at the pool and wonder what it would feel like to just walk in and never come out.

It's kind of scary to admit that.

As we figured out Anne Marie's dairy/soy allergies and adjusted to the new reality of a family of three, things started to ease up.  Getting back into the rhythm of work was so good for me.  I  struggled with coming back to work, feeling like I should become a stay-at-home mom, but I think those were just the baby blues talking.  I'm so glad that Matt reminded me how much I love my job and to avoid making any hasty decisions.

Right now, working part time and being home with Anne Marie two days a week is really the perfect scenario for us.

Did I mention I'm loving life right now?

I'm just really enjoying watching our daughter grow, learn new things, and just explore.  I love having some time to spend away from work and to actually try to keep our home a functioning place of sanity.  Sleep is generally still coveted but usually not elusive.  The dogs are adjusting to having a baby chasing them through the house.  Matt's racing has slowed down but he's planing a big trip this spring where he'll get LOTS of seat time in.  I'm still enjoying working on school, but I'm also really ready to be done with this master's thesis.

The master's thesis is the only thing holding back this burgeoning feeling of baby fever that I have coming on. 

It's crazy to think that in a matter of a few months, I've gone from trying to figure out how to bargain back my decision to have a child to trying to convince my husband that two "might not be enough" to fill my heart.  I've never felt like a maternal person, but I've really had my eyes opened to how God has so perfectly designed me for this stage.

I just want to enjoy every moment of this life God has given me, even when things aren't going so well, because as I've been reminded countless times this year with the passing of too many loved ones, life is precious.

And very short.

I love these two so much, I sometimes feel my heart could burst.

Sexiest Man Alive

In case you didn't hear, North Korea's Kim Jong-Un won The Onion's "Sexiest Man Alive" for 2012.

I've been laughing out loud about this for two days.

With his devastatingly handsome, round face, his boyish charm, and his strong, sturdy frame, this Pyongyang-bred heartthrob is every woman’s dream come true. Blessed with an air of power that masks an unmistakable cute, cuddly side, Kim made this newspaper’s editorial board swoon with his impeccable fashion sense, chic short hairstyle, and, of course, that famous smile.

The best part is, China's state-run online news site, The Peoples Daily, thought that the award was legitimate and ran a 55 page spread on Kim Jong-Un.

55 pages!

Chin Up

It's no secret that I'm a flaming conservative.

These words from Michelle Malkin made me perk up a little this morning...

Once again, we have our work cut out for us. We lost this election, but we still live in the greatest country on the planet and we still have many ways to fight for and defend it.

My counsel to you tonight: Please, do not be bitter. Do not fall prey to the Beltway blame game. Do not get mired in small things....

We still have boundless blessings to count — and to secure.

I remain a proud, unrepentant believer in the American Dream. And I know you do, too. Freedom will endure because we will keep fighting for it. We can’t afford not to, friends.

Earlier this evening, when many conservatives on Twitter started despairing, I quoted from Psalm 46:10. Elections come and go. Faith endures:

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”

Chins up. Stand tall. We’ll fight again tomorrow.

Starving?

So, after over a month of weaning myself from dairy and soy, I can tell a marked difference in Anne Marie's overall demeanor.

Now she cries when she's supposed to cry (like when she's tired or hungry, or just wants me) instead of all. the. time.

In fact, I had her all to myself for three full days recently and she hardly cried at all.  We went hours and hours with no fussing.  We played.  We talked.  We laughed.  We enjoyed each other.  It's been so incredibly wonderful.

Happy Baby.  

What's not been so wonderful is how restrictive this diet is.

I mean, seriously.  Do you have any idea just HOW MUCH stuff has dairy or soy in it?  Let's just suffice to say that it's in almost everything processed or baked, even 99% of salad dressings use soybean oil.  And forget Chinese takeout (sniff).

I've never been a label reader, but I'm finding that I have to be very diligent about what I do and do not eat.  My last trip to the grocery store involved 85% of my time reading labels, 10% entertaining Anne Marie, and really only about 5% shopping or checking out. I'm having to ask for the allergen menu at restaurants only to find out that I have maybe one option to order.

AM has proved to be sensitive enough that just a couple of bites of mashed potatoes with butter will affect her.  I started out by only cutting the obvious dairy/soy sources (no milk, cheese, soy sauce, tofu, etc.), but still had baked goods with butter or other things like that.

Happy Baby = Happy Parents.  The diet is worth having these two smiling. 

Now I'm trying to be much more consistent.  It's hard.  I'm hungry sometimes.  I've lost five pounds.  I feel a little trapped, though, since AM will go an entire day without taking a bottle if she so feels, so for now this is really our only option.

I reeeeally miss things with butter and cheese.

I don't miss those five pounds.

I'm hoping she'll get better about taking a bottle and am also looking forward to her starting solids.  I'm also crossing my fingers that she grows out of this quickly (although the thought of "challenging" her to see if she's outgrown it completely terrifies me).

In the meantime, I've been able to find some good substitutes for the essentials.  Some of this stuff is so good that I imagine I'll be craving it even when I can have the "real" stuff again.

That coconut ice cream is good.  Too bad it costs and arm and a leg!  The rice milk "cheese" is only okay because it's pepper jack.  I've really just had to start making most of my own snacks (like the homemade granola) because it's so hard to find good snack food. 

I have been able to add nuts back into my diet (which has allowed me to drink almond milk, providing a lot more options for cooking!).  I hope to add eggs back soon.  I decided not to test soy anytime soon as I'm pretty sure AM is sensitive to that. 

Overall, I have to keep telling myself that this is really no big deal.  I have a tendency to get a little sad for myself sometimes and feel emotional about all of the food that I miss eating (who knew that food could make me cry?!).  Anne Marie is happy (well, she was until she cut that second tooth this week) and more importantly - she's not HURTING. 

So worth it.

Babies' Baptism

On Sunday, we were able to celebrate the baptisms of Anne Marie, Emmett, and John Calvin Jr (the son of two wonderful friends). 

The day was just about as perfect as I could have hoped for - beautiful weather and lots of friends and family to rejoice with us as we committed our children to Christ.

It was hard for me to keep in mind that the day was not about me - not about how Anne Marie, Matt, or I looked, what outfits we wore, what food we served for lunch, who sat where, but about proclaiming God's covenant with our family and dedicating our child to Him.  

Why do we baptize our children?

We believe that baptism is a sign of God's covenant with us an we claim that covenant on behalf of our children.  We don't believe that it saves our children, is a requirement or means of salvation, or that it is a guarantee that they will grow into the faith that we profess.

There are instances in the New Testament of people being baptized as they came into the faith, their entire households with them. 

31 And they said, “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved, you and your household.” 32 And they spoke the word of the Lord to him and to all who were in his house. 33 And he took them the same hour of the night and washed their wounds; and he was baptized at once, he and all his family.

Acts 16:31-33

The vows we take as parents are as follows:

1. Do you acknowledge your child’s need of the cleansing blood of Jesus Christ, and the renewing grace of the Holy Spirit?

2. Do you claim God’s covenant promises in (his) behalf, and do you look in faith to the Lord Jesus Christ for (his) salvation, as you do for your own?

3. Do you now unreservedly dedicate your child to God, and promise, in humble reliance upon divine grace, that you will endeavor to set before (him) a godly example, that you will pray with and for (him), that you will teach (him) the doctrines of our holy religion, and that you will strive, by all the means of God’s appointment, to bring (him) up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord?

I also appreciate the vow that the congregation takes, to assist the parents in bringing up the child in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. 

We'd been waiting to baptize Anne Marie so that she and Emmett could be baptized together.  This is such a special sign of our faith that we wanted to share it with all our families and celebrate together.

My prayer is that Emmett and Anne Marie will grow up together, never knowing a day without Christ as their Lord and Savior.  That they will always be surrounded by loving friends and family that set excellent examples of living out their faith.

I've been waiting so long to be able to baptize these precious babies together.  I figured that I would be a mess when it came time, that I would be a ball of tears, but I think that I was too distracted with trying to make sure Anne Marie didn't pitch a good fit in front of the entire congregation that the gravity of the moment didn't hit me until it was over. 

It's probably not such a bad thing because I did not anticipate any tears on my wedding day and became a big sobbing mess the moment my father and I stepped into the sanctuary.  I couldn't see where I was going the whole way down the aisle and ended up rushing to the altar, hot with embarrassment at the onslaught of unanticipated emotion. 


The baptismal gown that Anne Marie wore is very special.  Matt's uncles and mother, as well as both Matt and his brother, Michael, were all baptized in the same gown.  Matt's grandmother saved up to purchase the hand made gown for her first child and it is absolutely beautiful.  My mother-in-law gave it to me at my baby shower and I am thrilled to be able to pass on such a special family heirloom. 

The detail is just gorgeous.  (Please excuse how wrinkled it was after a full day's wear by AM... I'm still unsure how to wash and save such an important piece of fabric).

O How I've Missed Thee

When I gave you up, I hardly knew how I'd survive.  For the last year, I've tried to find substitutes to fill the void, but it just hasn't been the same. 

Now that you miraculously appeared, I am reminded how much I loved you.

I admit it, I'm addicted.

To my satellite radio.

It's sad.

When we sold my hardtop convertible last fall in favor of a more "responsible" 4-door sedan ("mom" car?), we turned off the SiriusXM radio in the old car and didn't renew it in the sedan.

It really sucked, but I have somehow managed to survive without satellite radio.  In fact, I used to think that paying for radio was ridiculous.  I mean, who PAYS for radio?!  When we bought the Eos, it came with a free trial of Sirius satellite radio, and I became hooked.

They started charging me quarterly.

And I never cancelled.

Until we sold the Eos.

For the last year, I've just been listening to regular radio, often to my own disgust.  Much to my chagrin, the local rock station that used to broadcast Auburn football games and "Rick and Bubba" (I'm providing these as two examples of their good taste and family values) was now inundating me with live interviews of "adult entertainment stars" and constant strip club ads.

Yuck.

Who wants to listen to that?  I guess some people, but not me.

Can't a girl just get ACDC without the smut?

Maybe that's an oxymoron.

Anyway, Anne Marie and I have managed survive with just NPR on the way to "Big Daddy's" in the morning, but it just wasn't quite the same.  It's hard to jam out when you're tuned into "All Things Considered".

And then SiriusXM had to go and turn my satellite radio back on for a free trial.

Crap.

Congratulations, SiriusXM guys.  Your marketing ploy works on this sucker.  I am unable to give you up.  

I LOVE having it back on.  I've missed my music.  I've missed the decided lack of "smut" from the local radio guys, and I've definitely missed the bass of the (standard-equipped, but very capable) speaker system in my car.

I've miss how GOOD the music actually sounds in my car. 

I think Anne Marie likes it too.  She's cried a whole lot less in the car the last two weeks than she ever has.  I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that her system is now pretty clear of dairy/soy, and that it's really all due to the introduction of Muse, XX, and Arcade Fire into her audial repertoire. 

So, what to do?  I went back and forth about it, but just couldn't justify paying full price for radio, no matter how much I love it.  For a girl too cheap to get cable TV, ~$200 a year for radio is just another luxury that I can forgo.

Then they offered five months for $25.  I took the offer, and just knowing how it worked out last time, I'll probably "forget" to cancel at the end of the term.

Honey, if you're reading this, they said that they'd give us a whole year for $7/mo if you call before the end of my 5 month special offer.  :o)

What Up, Cuz?

I think Anne Marie was pretty pumped to get to hang out with her one and only cousin, Little E.  Too bad he's already bigger than her!  It will make beating him up a little harder.

 

I guess she'll just stick to bossing him around.  (And chewing on his clothes).

 



 

Possible Explanation

I felt a little guilty after my last post.  Anne Marie has been getting so much better in her temperament - Matt and I have been remarking about how MUCH better it is now, compared with two months ago.

Of course, she still isn't as content as any of my friends' babies, and seems to catch us off guard with a fit every now and then (like the day after my birthday, when she pitched a royal fit in a restaurant and I had to take her outside so that Matt could finish his meal - while she screamed non stop, soliciting advice from complete strangers and even one lady took her from me in an unsuccessful attempt to calm her...), but she's really started talking and giggling and being so cheerful a majority of the time; the fits are fewer and farther between.

So, after I re-read my last post, I felt a little bad complaining about how miserable things had been when they were really starting to look up.

I didn't know what had been getting better, but just assumed that Anne Marie was simply a colicky baby and was slowly starting to grow out of it.  She more than met the "guidelines" for colic the first three months, but I didn't see any indicators for something that was causing the crying (like reflux).

Back when she was still just a few weeks old, I had tried eliminating - or minimizing - a few common/potential "problem foods" in my diet in an attempt to determine if she was so fussy due to something I was eating.  I stopped drinking milk or using real creamer in my (now decaf) coffee, I also cut out a lot of "gassy" vegetables like broccoli.

Late last week, I'd started eating yogurt and real creamer again and then on Monday I had my first bowl of cereal with milk in what felt like ages.  A few hours later, Anne Marie had some blood in her diaper, which concerned me enough to call the pediatrician.

They told us to bring her in and looked her over, but what really caught the doctor's attention was when I told her that I'd had my first serving of milk that morning after cutting it out of my diet for weeks.  After several more questions about what I'd been eating or not eating, the timing of Anne Marie's fits, and her general demeanor, the doctor surmised that Anne Marie has a dairy/protein allergy or intollerance.

The solution is for me to eliminate all dairy, soy, eggs, and nuts from my diet.  It will take 2-4 weeks for it to clear my and AM's systems, so we won't be able to tell a discernible difference immediately, but it's worth a shot.  The alternative to changing my diet is to feed AM a special formula (but it's extremely expensive and she's not reliable about taking a bottle anyway).  We also had to bring in some samples for them to send to the lab to check for anything infectious or parasitic.  But she didn't have a fever and her diaper did test positive for blood, so it's most likely an allergy.

This is not a major deal.

She will most likely grow out of it and it should have any long-term effects on her.  Changing her (or my) diet until then is a perfectly workable solution.  Not necessarily so fun for me (or the wallet), but completely doable.  I'd already been limiting some of my dairy intake, which was probably the reason that she's been getting less and less fussy.  Now that I know this is most likely the cause of her issues, there is a clear motivation to making her feel better, even if it means I'll have to forgo the cheesecake for a while (sniff... cue trumpets playing taps in mourning...).

In some ways, this is a relief.  It explains a lot, and makes me feel a little vindicated from the weight I've carried due to her unpredictable temperament.  She hasn't been crying because she's "spoiled", or because I haven't held her enough, or because of something else I did or didn't do.

It's not my fault.  

At the same time, I feel guilty thinking about how she's really been in pain all this time and that it must have been torture for her to digest something her body might be allergic to. I wish we'd figured this out sooner, but all I can do now is be thankful that we may have caught it at all and not dwell on regret. 

I've been worried that people wouldn't love her as much as the sweet, cuddly babies that belong to my sister and girlfriends, that the nursery workers at church aren't exactly thrilled each time we bring AM in, and that Matt and I would forever be juggling whose turn it was to soothe our fussy little girl.

I really don't know what I'm doing when it comes to this whole "parenting" thing.  Matt and I are feeling our way in the dark - the blind leading the blind - but we've managed to 1. survive 2. figure out some daily routines 3. actually start to enjoy this new phase a bit 4. begin trying to reconnect as husband and wife instead of just being parents of a new baby. 

I'd call that success - so far.