Abandoned but not Forgotten

So this blog has become somewhat abandoned.

It has not been forgotten, but it has been abandoned.

There have been several reasons for this.  The two biggest ones are due to the lack of time I've had in the last year and a half since graduate school really ramped up, along with troubles that have worn on my heart over the same period of time.

I don't know how you talk about hard things honestly without saying too much.  I guess I will do my best.

For a while now, I have struggled with dealing with the issues going on with others around me.  Standing helplessly as dreams of growing old with loved ones, their spouses, and future children became unattainable.  Knowing that my definition of family would be forever changed shattered my heart and and pierced my soul. 

It took me to a dark place at times.  

I've never really had any problems with depression or overwhelming sadness before, but I can look back and say that that is no longer true. Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness lead to sadness and a complete loss of joy in the things that I had loved doing before.  My gardening and blogging, which were once beloved hobbies, sparked no interest anymore.  Hurt and sadness turned into anger, and then bitterness, and then back into sadness.  It's a cruel cycle. 

Watching the dissolution of the relationships of some of my most beloved as they crumbled and ultimately severed was more than I was physically and emotionally able to handle.  Trying to love a wonderful husband and protect my own marriage - when I didn't feel like loving anyone - was hard.  Controlling my words, emotions, and outlook was either imperfectly attempted or even abandoned at times.

Having a loving husband who was my steadfast supporter and a gracious heavenly Father helped pull me out.

1 Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord!
2 O Lord, hear my voice!
Let your ears be attentive
to the voice of my pleas for mercy!

...

7 O Israel, hope in the Lord!
For with the Lord there is steadfast love,
and with him is plentiful redemption. 

-- Psalm 130

I have thankfully never been under the illusion that I am perfect - spiritually, intellectually, physically, or even in my actions towards others.  But going through this made it all the more clear how completely imperfect I am and just how much I need a loving Savior - and how grateful I am that He provided me with such a supportive and committed husband. 

So in all of that, there is some resolution to my sadness. We are cherishing our marriage and vowing to protect and nurture it.  We are moving forward and looking to find joy wherever it is to be found.