Three Months In

So Matt and I have been "parents" for a full 14 weeks now, and let me tell you... it has been one hell of a ride.

I swear Anne Marie screamed for the first two months without taking a breath, but I can't really remember.  I think I'm blocking that out.  I do know that it's been a lot more challenging - and rewarding - than I had anticipated.

Matt and I have both separately gone through some moments where we questioned what we were ever thinking having a kid. 

There was one night when we pulled into the garage and a sudden wave of dread flooded over me.  I did not want to get out of the car.  I had been perfectly fine and burst into tears thinking about how I didn't want to get out of the car and go inside.  Anne Marie had fallen asleep in her car seat and I knew that she would soon wake up, start screaming, and I would have to help take care of her.

Another night I crawled into my closet and shut the door after having spent an evening of being unsuccessful at comforting her.  I just wanted peace.  Quiet.  My old life back.  I climbed into the tub and sunk my ears under the warm water.  I couldn't hear her there.

Our life had been so good.  So wonderful.  Eight years of doing whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted.  Very limited tears.  Now it was completely different and I was terrified that I'd sacrificed a happy marriage and carefree lifestyle for one of caretaker of a little ball of colic that could scream for four hours straight without batting an eyelash.

I was also becoming very resentful of Matt.  He was able to go back to work and escape during the day, go out with friends and act like a human again. When I had a girls' night to go to, I needed to bring AM with me or else I couldn't stay away for more than an hour or so.  Even when Anne Marie was happy, I was always on edge, worrying she would switch to crying at any moment.  I couldn't relax, and it started to really stress me out. 

It took a few weeks of stressing  and even feeling sorry for myself to realize that it all boiled down to my own selfishness.  We spent a long time being able to do as we pleased and now we both have another little life that we are 100% responsible for.  

That carries a lot of weight.

Anne Marie has slowly started interacting more, smiling back at me around five weeks, and spending more of her awake time where she isn't screaming.  I remember the first day that the shift went from mostly screaming while awake to slight majority of it not screaming.  That was a big accomplishment.

Now she's doing much better.  She still switches from cooing and laughing to full-out angry screaming within seconds, which keeps us on edge a lot of the time, but we're really beginning to enjoy her. 

When she's happy, she is the most snuggly, sweet baby.  She reacts when I come into the room now and acts like she's happy to see me.  Sometimes she'll be fussy and instantly calms down when she hears my voice or I pick her up.  When she smiles, talks, or yawns my heart melts into a puddle. 

 Anne Marie wasn't nearly as thrilled as we were to meet Emmett.

There've been plenty of tough moments.

I battled through three rounds of mastitis and we're now trying to get this little girl to willingly take a bottle.  She is SO STUBBORN.  She went twelve hours without eating one day last week because of it.

She's also very demanding.  If you're not holding or bouncing her just right, she will let you know.  My dad, who gave the three of us "P" nicknames as kids, has started calling Anne Marie "Puddin".  We're debating whether to rename her "Potentate".  She's a tyrant. She's one bundle of depravity, that's for sure.  I can already see selfishness, stubbornness, and bossiness manifesting in my little baby.

"Stubborn? ME?! ...Noooo...."

Even with all of the crying and tears (on both of our parts), I was really reluctant to return to work.  I spent the last two weeks of my 12 week maternity leave debating if I should even go back to work.

Y'all, that's weird.

I've NEVER wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom, and to be completely honest, I've been a little bit snobby about the notion of not wanting to go to college, have a career, and work versus simply wanting to find a husband right away, get married, and stay home with babies.

I was wrong to feel that way.

 

Finally figured out how to do a load of laundry... so much for all of the money I spent researching that inward-facing baby carrier!  She HATES it, but loves this one.

Now that I'm back at work part time, I am so glad that I came back (I can always re-evaluate working, but not until I'm done with my thesis).  I'm so productive at work, and I really love my job, but staying home and taking care of Anne Marie has also been really fulfilling.  I never imagined that I would find caring for my own child so desirable.  Even with the colic.

I'm so lucky that I get to do both.  I get to spend four days a week with my rotten munchkin and three days in the office, being an "adult".  I'm really thankful that my job has been so flexible and that my bosses have been wonderful about letting me pick my own schedule.

 

AM snuggled up with Great Aunt Terri

I'm so lucky that I have family that wants to take care of her, even when she's screaming.  My dad keeps her while I'm at the office and my mother-in-law keeps her often so that I can work on school, do housework, or just go to the grocery store.  My aunts have both kept Anne Marie several times so that I can get out of the house, have dinner without juggling her, or go to the doctor.  My mom will risk being a few minutes late to work in the morning so that she can hold Anne Marie when I drop her off for the day. 

Nana and Great Uncle John.

I'm so lucky that I have a husband that comes home and asks how my day went and tries to give me a break from "the kid" however he can. He's handled my own emotional instability and endless demands with great success and I don't give him enough credit or thanks.

I'm so lucky that I have friends, family, and an incredible church family that have called, stopped by, brought meals, and encouraged me. 

I'm so lucky that I have a healthy baby.  This phase of fussiness will pass, and one of these days I'll wish I could go back to this time of my life.  I want to enjoy her and love her to the best of my ability.